


Dear Goro,

by laughingfrowns



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Angst and Humor, Diary/Journal, Grief/Mourning, Humor, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Major Character Death tag for Akechi, Other minor characters - Freeform, Persona 5 Protagonist is from Inaba, Persona 5: The Royal Spoilers, Well there will be comfort eventually because we all need a happy end sometimes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-17 19:29:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29971212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laughingfrowns/pseuds/laughingfrowns
Summary: A series of diary entries in the aftermath of Maruki's reality.From one Akira Kurusu,To one Goro Akechi.
Relationships: Akechi Goro & Amamiya Ren, Akechi Goro & Kurusu Akira, Akechi Goro & Persona 5 Protagonist
Comments: 10
Kudos: 17





	1. April 5, 2017

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MystiePie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MystiePie/gifts).



April 5, 2017

Dear Goro,

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

And before you object, _yes_ I’m calling you “Goro”. No arguments accepted.

I used to keep a journal when I was in Tokyo, but I gave it to Sojiro before I left. I was required to write in it because of my probation, you see, but it became somewhat of a habit since I did it every day for almost a year. They say it only takes 20 days (or something) to create a habit, and they also say old habits die hard.

~~Fuck. This was a stupid idea.~~

Anyway, when I got back ~~home~~ to Inaba, I found this journal and thought, well, why not start writing again. I guess I just didn’t know what to write. It’s weird; trying to write to no audience. It’s not like anyone will ever read this. I hope they don’t. That would be especially awkward. I’ve never really been the best writer, but _this_ is just plain _embarrassing_.

So, all that to say, I’ve decided to write these entries to you instead of writing to nobody at all. I don’t know why it makes a difference ~~since you~~ , but it does.

I start school again next week at Yasogami. That’s the local high school here. It’s a small town, so there’s only one. There might be a few new faces, but most of the students already know about why I was sent to Tokyo in the first place, and anyone who doesn’t will probably be filled in by the rest of the students. That’s just how things are in small towns.

~~Have you ever been to a small town like this?~~

When I first got to Shujin, I thought it would be different, but Kamoshida ruined that, too. It’s probably one of the least horrible things he’s done, especially compared to what he did to Ann and Shiho. I can’t really complain too much. (Kamoshida is kind of like Shido in that way – he fucked my life up, for sure, but what Shido did to me is _nothing_ compared to what he did to you.)

I never want to write ~~Shido’s~~ that bastard’s name again. He will now be known as “That Bastard”. Actually, that’s not severe enough. Give me a couple days to think that one over.

Anyway, what I was trying to say before I _rudely interrupted myself_ is that I’m going to start school again, but I’m not really that nervous about it. It’s going to suck, to be sure, but that’s life. It’s nothing I’m not already used to.

Right. I should probably fill you in on all the things that happened ~~since you~~ since February.

When we broke free of Maruki’s control, I was in jail. Not like, I’ve-committed-another-crime-and-got-arrested kind of jail, but more like, reality had happened without us knowing, and we got dropped right in the middle of it. Things had gone back to what they were supposed to have been, meaning I had ‘supposedly’ turned myself in to the police on Christmas Eve. It was a bit of a shock, actually. I don’t know what I’d expected, but it wasn’t that. Part of my brain thought I’d woken up back in the velvet room.

You weren’t there for all the stuff with Yaldabaoth, so you probably don’t know what I mean by that. The velvet room is sort of like the metaverse, but not really. Long story short, it’s a big blue room, and it looked like a prison for me. That’s enough about that.

~~Did you have a velvet room? You had two personas, after all.~~

~~Were you a wildcard, too?~~

But yeah, I woke up in a jail cell. How charming.

It’s kind of funny, thinking back on it. Definitely wasn’t funny at the time, though. People gave me all sorts of weird looks, like I’d grown an extra head. But I also asked a lot of equally strange, menial questions, like “what day is it” and “where are we”. Things I would have known, if I’d actually been there.

But I wasn’t there. I was in some fucked up version of reality, concocted by yet another god who thought that they were better than everyone else. Another god that I shot in the face.

In a way, I’m glad it happened.

You would hate me for saying this, I know it, but I’m glad we had that time. I’m glad I got to see you again, even if it came to an end.

~~Part of me wonders if it was ever really **you** there with me in that world, or if you were just something Maruki created to fill a space in the world. Did he make his own puppet, or did he actually bring you back from the dead? Were you ever truly aware? Did you experience any of it, or were you (as in, the _real_ you) already gone? I suppose those are just more questions that will never find answers.~~

~~I wanted to believe that it was us, together, against the world.~~

But like you told me; you chose your own path. I can accept that.

~~Even if doing so is harder than actually having to shoot god in the face.~~

Wow, this is falling apart quickly, isn’t it? Maybe this wasn’t such a ‘genius idea’ after all. What do I even say to you??? What do I _want_ to say to you?

There’s a lot of things I want to say to you, but I’d rather tell you in person. I can’t write them to you, because it would defeat the purpose of telling you to your face. I’ll add this to the running list of promises we are keeping for each other.

~~I still have your glove.~~

The thieves all moved away. Makoto and Haru both graduated – Haru pursuing a degree in business so she can run Okumura Foods, and Makoto studying criminal justice. She wants to become a police commissioner. I understand, but, I still have my reservations. But, it’s her life, not mine, and you know as well as I do that when Makoto puts her head to something, there’s nothing that can stop her.

Ryuji started up physical training on his knee. He wants to compete for track scholarships for University to help his mom.

Ann has been travelling for modeling.

Yusuke is doing what Yusuke does: painting.

Futaba starts at Shujin next week too. We are very proud of her.

Morgana lives with Futaba and Sojiro now. I tried to bring him to Inaba with me, but my parents wouldn’t let me in the front door with him. So, I brought him back to Leblanc. It’s fine, he’ll be happier there anyway. Inaba is boring.

It’s fine.

I’m fine.

~~Fuck.~~

None of this has any life, anymore, does it? It’s just words on a page, words on a page, words on a page. More fucking words on a page.

My parents won’t even look at me. I have no friends here. The thieves are busy living their own lives _and I’m happy for them._ I don’t want to interrupt their goals or weigh them down, but I’m not like them. I don’t have a goal.

You would laugh at that, probably. You would say something pretentious like “The great leader of the Phantom Thieves without a goal?” But it’s true. They all have things they want to do, and I’m just here. In Inaba. I don’t know what I want to do after. I’m sure I’ll go to school to do _something_ , but right now it seems impossible.

It’s just one more year.

What’s the point, anyway?

You’re wrong, too, you should know. I’m not the “great leader of the Phantom Thieves” anymore. They needed someone, and I stepped up because nobody else did. Keeping them safe was my goal before.

They don’t need me now.

It’s better this way, though. They are chasing their dreams and I couldn’t be more proud.

I’ll figure out my goal eventually. I just need some more time.

It’s just one more year.

Until next time,

Akira

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The writing style for this is very different than what I am used to writing. I'm sure I'll refine it as time goes on, but for now, please enjoy my rendition, stream-of-consciousness-style, of a 17 year old who misses his friend.


	2. April 10, 2017

April 10, 2017

Dear Goro,

School started today. The uniforms are weird - they make you wear this grey suit with houndstooth on it in accent pieces, and a popped collar like something out of a dance scene in a 60’s disco movie. Or was that the 70’s? Either way, you would hate them, and say something about the designers not having a “refined enough fashion sense”.

~~Did you graduate from your third year? You would have, if it wasn’t for Him.~~

I tried to come up with a name for Him, but nothing seemed to fit. I thought of making it funny, but just the concept of making light of anything he did made me want to puke. I tried to make it mean, but thinking about it for too long had the same effect. I felt green.

We will call him “MS”.

Real names hold too much meaning in them, but if we give him a name of our own, then it has less of a chance of retaining that meaning, at least in the short term - somewhat like how we used codenames in the metaverse. Words are powerful, even if we don’t mean to give them that power. It just happens, with the way our minds work. 

When we were in the metaverse, my name was Joker. Despite our intentions, it was no less of a name. Everyone said it in their own unique way - Ann and Haru with kindness and gentleness; Ryuji and Morgana with their typical enthusiasm. Makoto with purpose.

You said my codename like a taunt. Like a curse and a revelation, all wrapped up in one.

Perhaps it was the most fitting of all.

You gave me power with that name. You called me Joker, and I could feel that power - that steadfast belief of yours - buzzing underneath my skin. I think it might have been your faith in me (which is ironic, considering how badly you wanted to see me fall ~~if you ever wanted that to begin with~~ ), the confidence that you and I were rivals and equals, and that I had to match you. That I _would_ match you.

And I tried to match you. I really did try, in everything, not just the metaverse. We _were_ rivals. We were also friends.

~~You were my **_friend_** , Goro. Did you know that?~~

I was never sure what you wanted from me - what I could do that would have been good enough. I thought that if I wore the right face, said the right words, made the right moves in our chess games, that maybe you would open up. Maybe I could be enough for you to say something - _anything_. And maybe I was misguided, too. We were suspicious of you, and knew that you were up to something.

Fuck, I knew you wanted to kill me and I still said _nothing_. 

Sometimes I think back to November. Actually, scratch that. Not “sometimes”. I think about it every day. I think about you, and all the things I said to you that _maybe if I had said differently then you would still be here_.

I reread our messages a thousand times. Maybe more. There’s not much to do here and not many people to talk to, and it leaves me with a lot of time to think about this sort of thing. You left so many hints for us, about the ‘real culprit’ being coerced, or there being a mastermind behind everything. About them doing things against their will. It seemed strange to me then, but I was so wrapped up in our “Plan” (which was really just a lot of sticks held together with a fraying string) that I thought nothing of it. Blinked, and moved on.

I wonder where we would be now if I had actually stopped to listen to what you were saying. Were you asking for help, in your own way?

Did you have anyone who listened to you, Goro? Did anyone even know you? The real you?

I was blind, and I failed you.

I’m sorry.

School. Yeah. Let's write about school.

I may have technically passed 2nd year, but I spent a good chunk of 3rd semester in jail and Maruki’s curriculum was not particularly compliant to the school board’s expectations, so needless to say, I’m a bit behind where I should be. I’ll be able to make up the difference with some extra studying, which will also help me use up some of my extra time. I have too much of it, as things are now.

School is quiet.

Well, not really. The other students aren’t quiet normally - what student body is? But they are quiet around me.

That’s okay though.

I also saw some job postings up on the internet. I didn’t bother asking around for work in person - one look and most people would probably write me off and throw my resume in the trash without even reading it. What a waste of paper. Sojiro was nice enough to give me a written reference and to let me give out his phone number. Sae-san as well - well, not the giving-out-her-number part. But she said if anyone gave me trouble because of my record, that I should direct them to her. It’s not much, but it means a lot to me.

I miss Sojiro a lot. Morgana and Futaba, too. I thought I would miss the thieves the most, but I can text them whenever (including Futaba, I guess). I can’t text Morgana. I guess I _could_ text Sojiro, but he isn’t great at carrying on a conversation. He’s more tactile. We would spend a lot of time together in silence, making coffee or doing those crossword puzzles he always has lying around the café. It’s not the same over the phone.

Morgana just can’t text because he has no hands.

That felt funny to write. 

After this semester, I might try to spend the summer in Tokyo. I wonder if you’re still there, somewhere. Are you hiding, or do you just want nothing to do with me? You said you hated me, after all, but I was never sure whether you meant that or if you were just a sore loser.

It’s fine, we all have our sore spots. This one just happens to be yours.

What else?

Oh! I figure I should write this down, more for my sake than for yours, but still. 

Being back in Inaba isn’t all bad. There are some places I definitely missed. I want to show you someday - I’ll add that to the list of promises too. I, Akira Kurusu, hereby promise thee, Goro Akechi, that I will show you all of the best places in Inaba. And I mean _all of them_.

When I was a kid, I used to play in the woods. I never had any siblings, so I often had to find ways to play on my own when my parents couldn’t take me to play with friends from school. Our house backs out into a large stretch of forest, so naturally, I took my time over the years to explore what it offered. Once I grew out of the fear of getting lost (that instinctual attachment to the proximity of parents and the “safety” they promise), I found some pretty cool things.

There’s a river deep in the woods. Less a river than a stream, really, but deeper than a brook. Still, it’s there. There’s a spot in the stream where the water breaks over a series of rocks, and drops off into a small ravine. It makes a small waterfall, like vertical rapids, breaking the flow into small crashes against jagged rocks that jut out the side. 

The sound is like nothing you’ve ever heard.

I can’t even describe it, which is part of why I promise to show you someday. It’s a calming, steady white noise that blocks everything else out. The rest of the forest seems calm, quiet and still, short of the occasional brush of leaves and branches as the trees sway. The brush, the leaves on the ground, soft moss and dirt, absorb the sounds. There’s no echo. The crack of a twig underfoot is quickly swallowed by the softness of everything green around it.

Where the rest of the forest is content to leave you with your thoughts, the river is not. 

It doesn’t swallow sound. Rather, it _drowns_ it. Pulls your thoughts from your skull, the echoes of so many personalities reverberating inside flesh and bone, and grinds them to a pulp against the sharp edges of the rocks.

It’s an overused metaphor to say that quietness brings peace. It doesn't. It brings the opportunity for peace, if that’s what lies underneath the inherent noise in your skull. But it won’t take away the throbbing ache of too many thoughts at once fighting to be at the forefront of your mind.

That’s what I use the river for.

I think you’d like it, too. You always seemed to have so much on your mind, Goro. You tried so hard to keep it locked down - out of sight, out of mind. But sometimes it was a look you got on your face - I don’t think you ever noticed it yourself, or you would have crushed it the same way you buried everything else. Some days, though, and more often the closer we got to the end, you looked blank. Like all of your energy and focus was pointed inward.

You kept up that awful smile though. It was _so fake_ , I could have laughed, back then. I don’t think it’s quite as funny anymore, though. Not now, after everything.

My mother is calling me for dinner, so I suppose I should go.

Until next time,

Akira

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am finding more and more that this style is refreshing to write. I hope it's refreshing to read as well!


	3. April 20, 2017

April 20, 2017

Dear Goro,

Wow, what a week.

I say that like anything actually happened. To be clear, it didn’t. Life in Inaba is BORING. Capital B, O, R, I, N, and G, for extra emphasis. It’s nothing like the fast pace of Tokyo. People work during the day, then they go home.

I don’t remember if I thought Inaba was boring before I moved to Tokyo. It feels like a different lifetime. I was a different person before Tokyo, before the metaverse. Especially before the metaverse. You know as well as I do how that world changes people.

I can't help but compare it to my first week in Tokyo: by the end of my first day at Shujin, I had awakened to my persona. By the end of the first week, I had adopted a magical not-cat, made two friends through the unbreakable bond that is fighting for your life against monsters in another world, watched another student jump off the school roof, and have the gym teacher threaten to expel me. 

By the end of my first week (back) at Yasogami, I had gone to school five times, come home from school five times, and spent five consecutive evenings hiding in my room under the pretense of "homework". I _was_ , in fact, doing homework, but I was also hiding from my parents. Two rocks, one bird? No… two birds, one pebble? Whatever that English saying is.

They aren’t so bad, really. They aren’t mean to me or anything. They don’t hit me, they don’t yell at me. They don’t really talk to me, actually. My father is usually working late - he brings his computer home and types away on it until 1 in the morning most nights. My mother is quiet by nature - she has always been quiet, so it’s nothing new. None of it is _new_ , per se, but it’s still different.

Before my initial arrest, my father worked and my mother was quiet. We had a quiet home and a quiet life in general. Like I said, I have no siblings, so it was just me. I don’t like to disturb things around me - I’m sure you gathered as much from knowing me for the time that you did. I’d rather observe than act - I’ve always been like that: slightly too withdrawn, slightly too cautious. The others, the Thieves, probably thought my trying to blend in was a result of the arrest and not wanting to draw further attention to myself, but that’s wrong. The fake glasses were new, sure, but the rest wasn’t.

Maybe that’s why it was so fun to be Joker. Joker is the opposite of Akira: he is flashy and commands attention. Akira fades into the background. I liked the idea that I could be both of them: that I wasn’t bound to one or the other. I liked to pretend that I was really him; and if what Morgana says about personas is true, then I _am_ Joker. Or, _he_ is _me_. Part of me, anyway. 

~~To reduce our concept of self to only one version is a shortsighted and narrow way of thinking.~~

Anyway, it was always quiet around here, but it was a different sort of quiet - and it held none of the silent animosity that hovers like a sickening aura around every interaction we have together now. I think, some days, that my parents are afraid of me.

We still eat dinner together each night. It’s nice, insofar as it’s a routine. They ask me how my day was, I tell them it was “fine”, and they press no further. My father says something about work. My mother says something about her own job. Sometimes she’ll mention aunts, uncles, maybe cousins. Then we part ways and I spend the rest of the night in my room.

I don’t think we (you and I, that is) ever spoke about my home life. There wasn’t really anything to say, after all: my home life was boring, and yours was a subject you’d rather leave untouched. 

Sometimes talking about these things is like dusting off an old shelf. That sounds weird, but hear me out. Imagine yourself dusting a shelf off with a cloth. Maybe it’s a damp rag, maybe a proper dusting cloth. I don’t know how you prefer to do it, but whatever, my point still stands. You press the cloth onto the surface, slide it across, and capture as much of the dirt as you can. When you pull your hand away, the shelf is clean. It looks much better than it did before you dusted it. You are the shelf, and cleaning the dust is like talking about your problems. You feel a little more “clean” afterwards.

You are also the air around the shelf. Cleaning the shelf off is all well and good, but there is always debris, sent flying back into the air. Grime, unsettled, surrounds you and you drag it into your lungs. It sinks there, and every time you breathe in after you can feel it, filling you up with heavy sludge. You end up choking.

If you can’t tell, I hate dusting.

But you’ve been in Leblanc’s attic, so you probably deduced that already. I wouldn’t put it past you to have made that conclusion. You always had that uncanny ability to know things about people before they were ever said. You made quick judgements, and you were usually right.

No one can be right all of the time, though.

I gotta go.

Talk to you soon,

Akira

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a bit shorter, but I'll pick it up as the dates progress.


	4. April 29, 2017

April 29, 2017

Dear Goro,

My cousins are visiting this weekend from Nagoya. They are my mother’s sister’s kids - Sousuke and Chiharu. Sousuke is ten and Chiharu is six. Sousuke is becoming more independent, and with that, developing his sense of pre-teen snarkiness. Chiharu is just a sweet little thing. She bites though, so you have to be careful.  ~~ She kind of reminds me of you. ~~

Seeing Aunt Yumiko was like a breath of fresh air, honestly. (Her name is Yumiko Oyama. She took her husband's name, like my mother took my father’s.) The first thing she did when she walked through the door, after the customary greeting to my parents, was hug me. It was nice - like she actually wanted to see me. You know what I’m usually like around the people I care about: we are a touchy bunch. I don’t think I’ve hugged anyone since I left Tokyo. I almost cried when she did it. I didn’t, but I almost did. I think she might have noticed, because she held on a little tighter after that.

I hadn’t seen them - seen, spoken to, messaged - anyone in my extended family since the arrest. I’m sure my parents told them a version of events, but I have no idea what sort of light I was presented in. My parents wanted to believe me, I think, but they sent me away in the end anyway, so I guess it didn’t matter who they believed.

My family isn’t actually from Inaba. My parents moved here when I was small - three, maybe four years old. Everyone else is still in Nagoya. I don’t really know why we moved here, something about my father’s job. I never asked about it (and if I did, I was too young to remember what the answer was), and growing up I figured the reason didn’t make a difference. It was what it was - knowing why we moved wouldn’t change the fact that we did. It doesn’t bother me now, never bothered me in the first place. When you’re a kid, you don’t have much agency over your own life. What was I going to do, at 3 years old? Run away?

I don’t think 3-year-old me even cared, to be honest. My parents were in Inaba, and I wanted to be with them all the time. It was an insignificant change for me, at the time. Now that I’m older, sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to grow up near my family - my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. I don’t know them very well anymore. Well, except for Aunt Yumiko.

She’s an artist, like Yusuke. She is lovely with watercolours, and an absolute  _ master _ at acrylics. I should connect her to Yusuke sometime - I think he would like her, and I know he was looking for a mentor after the fallout with Madarame. I think they would be good for each other.  ~~ I thought about connecting them sooner, but I wasn’t sure, with the probation and all, if she would even be willing to talk to me. ~~

I walked with Sousuke to a playground a few streets over during the afternoon. With the spring weather, it was pleasant and sunny, without being too hot to stay outside for long. It was actually Aunt Yumiko’s suggestion for us to go - just the two of us.  My mom got a weird look on her face, when she said so, but one sharp glance from Yumiko shut her up.

So yeah, we went to the playground, and for once, things weren’t quiet. Sousuke likes to talk - a  _ lot _ . He also is really into those Featherman shows that Futaba watches. Thank god I had six months of listening to her gush about Red Hawk and Grey Pigeon (and Black Condor?) because otherwise I would have no idea how to keep up with this kid. He talks fast. Plus I want him to like me, so I have to keep up with it.

(I even offered my own analysis about why I thought Red Hawk is the best character. Really, I just like the colour red. I don’t actually know enough about the show to have a real opinion. Do you think Futaba would marathon it with me when I visit her next?)

~~ You liked that show too, right? Not that you would ever admit to it. Futaba found some fanart on your phone once in November when she had it bugged. Sorry not sorry. ~~

~~ You could marathon it with us, if you wanted to. I don’t think Futaba would mind. Maybe she would have before, but after Maruki’s reality, I don’t think things are as clear anymore, for anyone involved. ~~

~~ You could come back, you know. You ‘re one of us, you belong here. I know you think they would hate you for what you did under MS, but they don’t. No one would send you away. Even if they tried, I wouldn’t let them. ~~

~~ Why am I even bothering to write this? It’s not like you can read it. ~~

~~ Stupid stupid stupid ~~

~~ I’m so stupid ~~

We talked for a while, and I pushed him on the swing. He even had some figurines that we played with. He told me about his school and his classmates and friends, and I listened.

It was really, really nice.

I don’t think he knows about the arrest. I thought the family had been told, but I can understand Yumiko wanting to keep the kids out of it. They were younger, too, so I get it. I’m glad for it really. I don’t have to be as careful all the time around them, since they don’t know to be afraid of me.

I wonder if my parents would be cruel enough to tell them.

Sousuke’s set of figurines (not the collectors kind like Futaba has - just the kids toys, meant to be played with) had one of each character, so we split the roles. He made me play Red Hawk (since I’d told him that Hawk was my favourite - it was a thoughtful gesture, really), Blue Swan, and Pink Argus; he took Black Condor, Yellow Owl and Grey Pigeon.

~~ Was Grey Pigeon even in the original? Or was he added after? I can’t figure it out, and the wikis aren’t consistent with their lore. ~~

We acted out an epic battle, where Red Hawk and Black Condor lead the group in a valiant crusade against the alien invaders (we used some sticks off the ground - we weren’t sacrificing any of the precious Featherman teammates to fill that role). After the rising action encompassing the growing fleet of alien ships (at the expense of some low-hanging branches), some secret double-agent espionage, and a dramatic climax where Black Condor (the double agent) sacrificed himself to save the team, I decided we’d been out long enough and it was time to go home.

It was good timing, too, since the kid needed to be fed and bathed in time for bed. He might be ten, but he’s still a growing kid.

When we got back, I made the whole family my best version of Sojiro’s curry. I haven’t had it since I left Leblanc, and while it wasn’t quite the same (no one makes it as good as he does), it was still really nice. Aunt Yumiko was impressed, at least. Sousuke liked it too, although Chiharu turned her nose up. I didn’t take offense - she’s six, after all. Six-year-olds are notorious for being picky eaters.

My parents seemed pleasantly surprised - both of them thanked me for dinner, and my mom even offered to do the dishes with me. It was kind of awkward at first, but she told me softly that she’d enjoyed it, and  _ would like to make it together sometime _ .

I don’t...

I don’t know what Yumiko said to her while Sousuke and I were out. I don’t know what she could have  _ possibly _ said that would cause such a drastic change. My mom looked at me, in the eyes, for the first time in over a year.

Goro, I have to confess something to you: I don’t know what I’m doing. 

I don’t know if I should be mad at them for sending me away, or if I should be thankful that she’s looking at me again. I don’t want to be mad, in case it makes her stop. I don’t think I could handle that again. I don’t want my parents to be scared of me, but I have no idea how to fix this, or how to even keep it going. 

~~ I don’t know about my father. We were never that close in the first place. Mom was different though. We never said much, both of us being quiet people the way we are, but we were still close with one another. It was a comfortable silence. ~~

I don’t know what Yumiko said to her, but I am so, so thankful for whatever it was. I think I will sleep better tonight than I have in a long time.

Goodnight, Goro. Sleep well, wherever you are.

Akira


	5. May 2, 2017

May 2, 2017

Dear Goro,

A year ago today, Kamoshida confessed to his crimes in front of the entire Shujin student body. I suppose you could say today was the day that started it all. We weren’t Phantom Thieves yet at that point. None of us knew before this what we would become. How could we have known where our actions would lead us?

I don’t regret my decisions. We didn’t target Kamoshida because of some misguided sense of justice - it was personal, and we were out for revenge. What he did to Ann and Shiho… we weren’t going to let him get away with it. 

Morgana didn’t even know if the change of heart would work. Did we ever tell you that? We  _ thought _ we could make it work, with Morgana’s guidance, but we never really knew going into it. We knew there was a chance that we could fuck it up and kill him. Ryuji was a bit hesitant because of that, but it never mattered to me whether Kamoshida lived or died. All I knew was that he couldn’t be allowed to continue hurting people; and if I could do something to stop him, regardless of the outcome, I would. It wasn’t about it being “worth the risk” of potentially killing someone - Kamoshida’s fate genuinely didn’t matter to me.

~~ I can understand how your desired end justified your means, in that sense. Was it worth it, in the end? ~~

Ann made the final choice to spare him. I respect her for that. She understood better than any of us where strength of character comes from. It’s funny to me, though, that she asked me for help ‘strengthening her heart’, as she put it. There was nothing I could teach her - if anything, she gave me more than I could give back. She taught me about kindness, and how kindness is not the same as weakness.

~~ Not that there’s anything wrong with being weak. ~~

I was angry when I moved to Tokyo. Anyone would be, I think, if they had been in my situation. I didn’t know what to do, where to go, who to be. My life felt wholly unfair  ~~ (because it was) ~~ , and I was so, so angry. I don’t know what I would be now if I hadn’t met Ann and Ryuji and Morgana. They kept me grounded when nothing else seemed to.

~~ I can’t imagine what it must have been like to travel the metaverse alone all that time. ~~

I never told my parents about being a Phantom Thief. I don’t ever intend to.

It’s not something they have to know. And it doesn’t matter now that the metaverse is gone, anyway. I’m not sure how Sae-san kept the information from getting to them, with them being my legal guardians and me still being a minor when I turned myself in. Or, when  _ you _ turned yourself in. I don’t really know how to describe anything that happened between Yaldabaoth and Maruki. Did it still  _ actually happen _ , even if you and I remember different events entirely?

Either way, it’s unknown to me how Sae-san kept my identity and second imprisonment a secret, but I’m not complaining. It’s one less thing to worry about now - even though my original assault record was officially cleared, it still follows me. I don’t need a record for Phantom Thievery for a shadow, too.

My cousins and aunt went back home. Chiharu and I spent some time together on Sunday before they left - we played with a few of her dolls, and baked some cookies together in the kitchen (meaning that I baked cookies and she made a mess of the flour). She had fun, and that’s what matters. Sousuke wasn’t interested in baking with us, but he popped his head in when the timer went off to take them out of the oven. I don’t blame him - eating is the best part of baking, after all.

The cookies turned out okay. I sent most of the leftovers home with Aunt Yumiko and the kids.

Saying goodbye is always hard, but I promised Yumiko I would visit her over the summer (you know I don’t break my promises). She told me that I would always be welcome in her home.

I didn’t realize until then how much I needed to hear that.

I’ve been thinking about what I said in that first journal entry (letter?) about not having a goal. I wonder if it’s okay not to have a goal. I’ve seen people flourish under one, but I’ve also seen them destroyed by their misplaced ambitions.  ~~ Because, Goro, wasn’t that your undoing in the end? ~~

I want to think it’s okay not to have a goal for now. Or not a big one, anyway. Maybe I could manage something small, like making it through this semester.  ~~ But when has it ever been satisfying enough just to survive? You would tell me that I’m better than that. ~~

Maybe I could learn a new skill. I’ve always been good with my hands - did you know I trained in classical piano? It was my father’s idea, but it taught me dexterity from a young age, which has helped me in many outlets (like making infiltration tools for palaces, or picking locks). I could learn to knit. Or play a different instrument. I’m not sure, but it would be better than the nothing I’m doing right now.

I just need something to fill the space, you know?

Maybe you don’t know, actually. You always seemed so busy - you were always working when you stopped at Leblanc for coffee. If you weren’t working, we were probably playing chess together.

You were busy, but you always made time for me when I asked. Sometimes I wonder why. Was it that you actually wanted to spend that time together, or was it just another form of reconnaissance to you? Was everything we had just ‘part of the job’?

I need to stop thinking about things like that. It’s in the past - it doesn’t really matter what your intentions were if you’re not there for the fallout. It does me no good to wonder, either. Worst case, everything you did and said was a lie - another fake personality you plastered to your face, this one tailor-made just for me. Best case, the bond we had was real. The truth probably lies somewhere in the middle.

Does the truth matter? Or would it just make things more complicated. You aren’t coming back, so it doesn’t matter what I think - it won’t change things between us.

See, that’s what happens when people die, Goro. The ones they left behind pick up the pieces of their shattered reality, do their best to parse through the details and make some sense out of it. It’s fractured sense at best, but we are compelled to do that much because, even when fractured, it’s still better than nothing.

Everything you ever said to me could have been a lie, and I would still care about you.

You’d probably say something about me being a “self-righteous asshole, thinking I’m better than everyone else”. Wrong again, Goro. It doesn’t make me better, it just makes me human. Humans do weird things sometimes.

Somehow these ramblings always come back to you. Everything comes back to you eventually, doesn’t it.

Bye for now,

Akira


	6. May 16, 2017

May 16, 2017

Dear Goro,

I was assigned a group project in my Economics class this week. 

Group projects suck, especially when your teammates refuse to speak to you. They suck in general, but this is worse than what I’m used to.

Some days I do wonder how I made it through a full year at Shujin without any group projects. Do they not make students do that type of thing in Tokyo proper? Or was it just a coincidence?

We have a month to work on the project and get it submitted. I think I’m just going to ask my teacher if I can do it on my own. It’s a lot of work for one person, but it’s not like I don’t have the time to spare. I haven’t found a job yet ~~since no one wants to hire a criminal~~ , so I have the extra capacity. I can’t _make_ the other students work with me, after all.

I bet when (if?) you had group projects, everyone wanted to work with you. You were the famed Detective Prince, so I can’t imagine that voluntary group members were in short supply for you. Although, with that comes the fans drooling all over you for a chance to be in your space and have your attention for even a second.

It’s gross, if you ask me. I don’t know how you managed to put up with people like that.

That was one nice thing about being a Phantom Thief - I always had my anonymity. Even at the height of our fame, I could go wherever I wanted as Akira. I never needed to worry about disguising myself (well, up to November, anyway. After Sae’s palace, things got a bit messy, as I’m sure you can understand).

I asked Futaba about Featherman the other day. 

So, it turns out that Grey Pigeon was an extra character added for the Featherman Seeker game, which follows a different plotline than the actual Featherman show. So Sousuke’s figurines must have been based on the game, then? It’s a bit retro; I wonder where he got them. 

Futaba could barely contain her excitement when I asked about it. I think she’s wanted someone to gush at for a long time, and while I listened before and absorbed as much as I could, it’s still different when gushing to a person who is actually interested in the same things. I might have not been interested before, but I am now.

~~ I was too busy before, anyway, just trying to keep things together. ~~

This semester is already half over, so I guess it’s not too early to be making summer plans. Sojiro invited me to come back to Leblanc while I’m out of school. He said that I could help out at the cafe, and he would even pay me this time for my work. It would be nice to see everyone again, and I do miss them.

~~ I just ~~

I don’t know, Goro. I don’t know what to do.

I want to go back, but things are different now. Am I just chasing the past? If I go back to Leblanc’s attic (my  _ real _ home), is it still the same?

~~ Things can’t be the same because you’re not there. You _could_ be there, though. How am I to know when I’m all the way out here in Inaba? ~~

The thieves are moving on with their lives, so shouldn’t I do the same? As much as I want to go back, I can’t help but feel like it would do more damage. There are too many memories in that place.

I might just be scared.

I don’t know what I’m scared of: it’s just Leblanc.

Actually, that's a lie. I do know.

I’m scared that if I go back to Leblanc, I’ll spend the summer trying trying to be who I was last year. Joker isn’t coming back, the metaverse isn’t coming back. All of those things that made last year so special are gone forever now. I don’t want to face that. It’s easy, being in Inaba, to pretend like there’s something waiting for me back in Tokyo - like if I just got the chance to go back, to  _ be there again _ , that things would go back to how they were.

They won’t. I know that. I just don’t want to see it. If I go back and see for myself, it makes it real.

~~ Am I running away? ~~

~~ You’d call me pitiful for being like this. ~~

Anyway, it’s not like I have to decide right now. It’s only May, and vacation doesn’t really start until the end of July. I have to get through exams first. Besides, I also promised to visit Yumiko in Nagoya, too, so maybe I could split the time? Two weeks in Nagoya, two weeks in Tokyo? That could work. And maybe I could ask Sojiro to stay in the house this time. At least that way it would be different than before, you know?

~~ And it’s not like I’d have to worry about staying late at Leblanc to finish a chess match. ~~

Yeah. I think that could work.

~~ Will I ever stop chasing your ghost? ~~

~~ Besides, if I did go back to Tokyo, maybe I would see you again. ~~

Until next time,

Akira

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I was in 11th grade, we read the book "We Need To Talk About Kevin" by Lionel Shriver as part of my literature course. I think about that book a lot.

**Author's Note:**

> This idea came to me in a dream.
> 
> This work is dedicated to MystiePie, for her endless creativity and passion. Thank you for inspiring me every day.


End file.
